Friday, March 26, 2021

The Magic Six Hours


Dr. John Gottman is a well-known relationship researcher and therapist who has devoted his career to figuring out why some marriages continue to improve over time, and some do not.  All of his work and research shows that successful couples intentionally devote time to their marriage that unsuccessful couples do not.  He has built a little program to help couples give time and energy to their marriages.  He calls it:  The Magic Six Hours.

PARTINGS:

Make sure you say goodbye before you leave each other.  Find out one thing that is happening in your partner's life that day.  (2 min/day = 10 min/week)

REUNIONS:

Greet each other with a hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds as this is how long it takes to create a physiological reaction in our bodies.  In addition, have a stress-reducing conversation that lasts about 20 minutes.  This conversation is meant as a time of reconnection before getting lost in the rest of the day.  (20 min/day = 40 min/week)

APPRECIATION:

Spend at least five minutes each day communicating genuine appreciation for your spouse.  Try to be creative.  Regular expressions of appreciation are one of the strongest predictors of a healthy, loving relationship.  (5 min/day = 34 min/week)

AFFECTION:

Make sure you show each other physical affection daily.  Physical affection releases oxytocin in our brains which increases feelings of connection.  (5/min day = 35/min week).

WEEKLY DATE:

Successful couples spend one-on-one time together on a date.  We should be intentional about making this happen.  Mix up what you do.  (2 hours/week).

STATE OF THE UNION:

Spend time counseling together about how you are doing in your marriage.  Have a relationship check-in.  What are we doing right?  What needs improvement?  What are our plans and goals?  Talk about relationship concerns and express appreciation.  

Of course, it's not about the exact amount of time we spend together as couples, rather the attitude of being intentional about the most important relationship we have.  It is about regular time and attention.  Investing in the Magic Six Hours can go a long way towards cultivating HOPE in your relationship as you grow together as a couple.



Thursday, March 25, 2021

The New Positive Psychology

The good life is not the result of overcoming our weaknesses but the result of using our strengths and virtues.  The key to this positive approach is discovering our strengths.  When a person likes what he does and is motivated to do it, focusing the mind becomes effortless, even when the objective difficulty is great.  

One program intended to help people discover and use their strengths - and to live flourishing lives in general - is Your Blueprint for Happiness.  This program helps people apply principles of well-being so they can thrive!

While positive emotions come from savoring, and productivity streams from using our strengths, the highest level of well-being springs from finding ways to make the world a better place. 

There is HOPE in positivity!

Marriage and Relationship Education


 "Marriage is the first bond of society" as declared by Roman statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero in 78 BCE.  If this is true, then it would beneficial for us to understand the ideas that are associated with healthy, stable marriages.  The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Model illustrate key patterns of thinking and behaviors that are associated with successful marriages. 

CHOOSE TO BE INTENTIONAL

*Make the relationship a priority.

*Be committed.

*Emphasize partner strengths.

*Envision a future together.  

KNOW YOUR PARTNER

*Be attentive and aware of your partner's life, thoughts, and feelings.

*Understand your partner's needs and pressures.

*Express interest, physical attraction, and emotional closeness.  

*Share ideas and expectations. 

CARE FOR YOUR PARTNER

*Express fondness, appreciation, and positivity.

*Be kind and supportive.

*Be tolerant.

*Be respectful.

*Be present.

*Listen, especially during times of challenge and frustration.

CARE FOR YOURSELF

*Develop physical wellness.

*Develop stress management skills. 

*Understand threats to emotional and mental well-being. 

SHARE

*Find common interests.

*Spend time together.

*Protect your relationship from negative influences.

*Engage in a common purpose. 

MANAGE

*Utilize perspective.

*Make decisions as a team.

*Be forgiving.

*Mange stress and conflict. 

CONNECT

*Participate in your community.

*Engage in extrafamilial activities. 

*Serve together.

As you work on these practices together, you can HOPE TO MOVE FORWARD in your relationship!

Parenting Education

Parents are an important part of a child's development. In order to foster HOPE and well-being for children, it is helpful for parents to be supportive (affection and involvement) as well as controlling (setting limits and supervision). Here are six parenting practices as given by the National Extension Parent Education Model which prove to be extremely useful to a child's well-being. 

*A parent should care for self.  Learn to manage stress, ask for and accept help.

*A parent should be understanding. Recognize how children respond to what is happening around them.
 
*A parent should guide. Model appropriate behavior, establish limits, teach problem-solving skills. 

*A parent should nurture. Express compassion and affection. Listen. Teach kindness. 

*A parent should motivate. Teach children about themselves and the world around them. 

*A parent should advocate. Build relationships with the community. Stimulate social exchange. 

Best outcomes come from parents who first put themselves into a position to learn how to parent, then learn how to support, encourage, and guide children without too much control in regards to their children's thoughts and feelings.

"Anxiously Engaged"

There is all kinds of hope associated with a new relationship, especially a relationship between a couple engaged to be married. There is hope for children, employment, and perhaps a home of your own one day. The greatest amount of hope is invested in the relationship itself, a hope that it will last for eternity. And yet, while we invest so much time, effort, and money into the actual wedding day, how much effort is put towards understanding the marriage commitment? “Anxiously Engaged” is a curriculum developed by Dr. Alan Hawkins, professor of family life at Brigham Young University and a nationally recognized scholar on relationship education, and Kathryn Pond Sargent, who has a master’s degree in Family Sciences and has taught marriage preparation classes for engaged Latter-Day Saint couples for many years. Anxiously Engaged is a course directed towards engaged couples and will cover the “essentials” of preparing for and nurturing your marriage relationship. It is important that couples understand the necessity of being intentional about their ongoing efforts to maintain a healthy, vibrant relationship. The curriculum will help couples develop skills to intentionally facilitate a life-long process of becoming one. If you are interested in signing up for the Anxiously Engaged class, please contact us at anxiouslyengagedtobemarried@gmail.com

Hope Kept Me Alive

I'd like to share with you a story I found on TED.COM.  It is Joseph Kim's story of a family he lost in North Korea and a family he gained in America.  The following is an excerpt from his story: 

8:56Hope is personal. Hope is something that no one can give to you. You have to choose to believe in hope. You have to make it yourself.
9:34
10:00This is my message to you. Have hope for yourself, but also help each other. Life can be hard for everyone, wherever you live.  . . .you may also change someone's life with even the smallest act of love.  But I confidently believe that your act of love and caring can also save another person's life and change thousands of other people's lives who are still having hope to survive.
His story is amazing.  Read it in it's entirety HERE.

Monday, March 22, 2021

Flashlight

Over the weekend I took a road trip with my daughter.  Along the way we listened to one of our favorite artists:  Hunter Hayes.  He sings a song about flashlights and hope.  I tried in vain to find an "official" video for the song, but did find a video someone made with the lyrics.  I like the lyrics.  See if you do too.  Watch it HERE.

Sunday, March 21, 2021

The Healer's Art

I have learned a lot about healing since that day. I have learned that healing is a process of restoring and becoming whole. And I have come to realize that the process involved in physical healing mirrors in many ways the spiritual healing we all require at difficult times in our lives. Through caring for my patients and enduring my own heartaches, I have learned six lessons about “the healer’s art.” 1

Healing Hurts

First, healing hurts. When I was a young nurse in the hospital, hardly a day went by that a patient did not ask, “Will it hurt?” If I had been truthful, the whispered answer would nearly always have been, “Yes, it will hurt.” I have learned that healing hurts. Life hurts. Healing really begins only when we face the hurt in its full force and then grow through it with all the strength of our soul. For every reward of learning and growing, some degree of pain is always the price. Author M. Scott Peck suggests that if you do not want love or pain, you “must do without many things.” 2 I think you would do without friendship, dating, working, getting married, or having children.
Sometime in your life you will know a crashing crisis or heavy heartache that will threaten all sense of logic or hope or certainty, from which, no matter how you emerge, nothing will ever be the same. Hurts come as unique losses, unwelcome surprises, fading hope, or grief.

We can partake of the healing offered through the Atonement of our Savior, who promised, “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee” (2 Kgs. 20:5; see also 3 Ne. 18:32).

Healing Is Active

My second lesson is that healing is active—you have to participate. Your friend, your husband or wife, your mother cannot do it for you. You have to face the problem and the pain. To begin healing, you must acknowledge and feel the hurt. Only those who don’t feel, those without conscience, cannot heal.
My mother told me of an experience she had one winter morning as she drove to check the cattle in the lower pasture. She noticed a car off the side of the road. Inside she recognized a young mother and three children. When my mother asked if they needed help, the woman tearfully reminded her that this was the place of the accident that killed her husband two weeks earlier. She said, “We are just here to feel the hurt.”
On that first day as a nurse, I assumed cure and healing to be synonymous. I have learned they are not necessarily the same. Cure is clean, quick, and done—often under anesthesia. The antibiotic kills the pathogen; the scalpel cuts out the malignancy; the medication resolves the distorted chemistry. But healing may involve a lifelong process of recovery and growth in spite of—perhaps because of—enduring physical, emotional, or spiritual assault. It often requires time. We may pray for cure when we really need healing. Whether for cell reconstruction, for nerve and muscle rehabilitation, for emotional recovery, or for spiritual forgiveness, healing can require work and time and energy.

Healing Is Private

My third lesson is that healing is private. The hymn “Lord, I Would Follow Thee” describes “hidden sorrow” in a “quiet heart.” 4 Saint-Exupéry wrote, “It is such a secret place, the land of tears.” 5
Private healing is not healing by abandonment. Healing is not only private, it is sacred. There is something so sacred about partaking of the power of the Atonement to overcome suffering, disappointment, or sin that it happens in the privacy of that special relationship between the mortal and the divine. Healing involves a private, personal communion with the Savior, the Master Healer. It inspires a very personal reverence and awe. While on the earth, Jesus often began the healing process in private and then departed. He often charged, “See thou tell no man; but go thy way” (Matt. 8:4; see also Luke 8:56).
To say that healing is private is not to diminish the marvelous power that comes from the help and compassion of others. Indeed, private healing often may not happen without the help of others. Nevertheless, much of the work of healing is done alone, inside the heart, in the company of the Spirit of the Lord.
Such secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take a day off and return healed. It happens quietly, while you face the pain, and over time as you live, work, study, and give to others.

Healing Teaches Us

The fourth lesson of the healer’s art is that healing teaches us. When we have a terrible loss or pain, we may seek to get back to normal or to the way things were before, but they will never be the same. Pain changes us but not in the same way healing teaches us. Healing can help us become more sensitive and more awake to life. Healing inspires repentance and obedience. Healing invites gifts of humility and faith. It opens our hearts to the profound complexities of truth, beauty, divinity, and grace.

We Must Help Others Heal

The fifth lesson of learning the healer’s art is the obligation and great gift it is to help others heal. 
Every day someone in your path is hurting, someone is afraid, someone feels inadequate, or someone needs a friend. Someone needs you to notice, to reach out, and to help him or her to heal. You may not know who that is at the time, but you can give encouragement and hope. You can help heal wounds of misunderstanding and contention. You can serve “in the cause of the Master Healer.” 9

Healing Is a Divine Gift

The last and greatest lesson of healing is that it is a divine gift always available from a loving Heavenly Father. If you have a pain or sorrow or disappointment or sin or just a grudge that needs healing, the Savior simply says, “Come unto me.”

TO READ THE ADDRESS IN IT'S ENTIRETY, CLICK HERE

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Meet Davies


I became acquainted with Davies through a family member who took Davies in when he moved from Columbia to the United States. It was when I announced that I would be blogging about hope that this family member contacted me and said "I have a story for you." Here is that story:

My name is Davies Sanchez. I come from a family of five, myself included. My dad is a doctor as well as my mom. My older sister and younger brother are in medical school right now. I never enjoyed the medical field as much as they did, so I knew something was going to be different for me.


I graduated from high school when I was 15, but I did not know what to study after that. I did not want to disappoint my family by announcing that I was not going to be a doctor so I took a break after high school.

Before I turned 17, I moved to the US with the help of my parents and friends. I was a minor and did not speak English at all, so it was hard for me not to have my parents with me. I have to say I hated it in the beginning. I could not go out because I did not know where to go. I could not make friends because I couldn't communicate with them. And what may have been the hardest for me is the fact that I could not even stay alone in my house because of a law regarding minors. All I could do was wait for classes to begin, which no kid really wants. I told myself that I had to take action or simply give up and come back home.

With the passing of time, I learned some English so I could communicate with people and I made my way through school. I'm almost done with my general classes at the LDS Business College in Salt Lake City, UT. I work part-time and will hopefully transfer to a university to complete my goals.

When I asked Davies to write his story for me, he told me his English is not perfect but that he would try.  He graciously took the time to write this while in school and while working on other assignments.  I thank him.  I thank him too for his example of hope.  I believe where there is hope, there is desire.  Davies desired something different for himself which took courage as well as a step into the unknown and into an uncomfortable environment in order to achieve that desire.  It was difficult, but it will be worth it.  When faced with the choice "take action" or "simply give up" Davies chose action.  I hope you do too.  

Friday, March 19, 2021

Q & A with Keri



How do you define hope?  

I define hope as the desire to have something positive happen.  Without hope, it would be hard for me to have a positive outlook on Taylor’s future with CF.

How do you find hope? 

Early on, I found hope by getting involved in CF related fundraisers and meeting other parents of children with CF.  Today, I have many friends with CF children and can reach out to them when needed.  I also have an amazing family and supportive friends who don’t have children with CF, but are there for me at any time.

How do you carry on - move forward - during difficult times? 

Taylor has an amazing amount of strength.  I watch her handle difficult situations and it helps me carry on.  I also have the amazing support of my friends and family.

What do you feel was your darkest moment and how did you come out of it? 

My darkest moment was getting the diagnosis.  I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and couldn't believe this was happening to us.  I was able to overcome it by doing everything I could to learn about the disease, staying consistent with her treatments, having faith in her doctors and praying A LOT! Our friends and family were also a tremendous help during this difficult time.

What advice do you have for others regarding hope?  

Have faith in the situation.  Reach out to others, whether it is friends, family or both.  Don't try to overcome difficult situations alone...it is always better with the help of others.  And, most of all, don't give up...hope for the best :-)

As mentioned earlier in the week, Keri and Taylor are dear friends of mine.  I have been fortunate to witness their strength and hope despite the daily difficult challenges cystic fibrosis presents.  I hope to follow their example of making the most of life - come what may.   

  

Thursday, March 18, 2021

CF = Cure Found

A lot of effort goes into making sure that CF will one day stand for "cure found."  

From Keri: 

Our family participates in many fundraisers for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and we do our best to raise money to fight this disease.  One of the newest drugs on the market is called "Kalydeco."  It is the first drug available that targets the underlying cause of CF.  While this drug only helps 4% of the CF population, the CF Foundation is working on another drug similar to Kalydeco that will help Taylor and those with her gene mutations.  We can't wait for the day when this drug is available for Taylor.

We take each day as it comes.  We have a lot of hope for the future for Taylor and the other children and adults affected with cystic fibrosis.  We absolutely believe that one day CF will stand for CURE FOUND!

If you would like to donate to our cause, please visit our Great Strides website at http://fightcf.cff.org/goto/keriking


To view Taylor's videos regarding her life, please visit



For more information about cystic fibrosis, please visit their website at:  www.cff.org

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

CF


Keri's story continued. . .

While researching cystic fibrosis, I read stories of loss, but I also read stories of hope.  There were CF patients living far beyond their life expectancy.  I read stories of CF patients getting married and having babies.  While I was still in shock about her diagnosis, I was gaining hope that my baby would be OK.

CF is a genetic disease that affects approximately 30,000 children and adults in the U.S. (70,000 world wide).  Despite the increasing median age of survival, CF remains fatal.  The disease is caused by a defective gene that causes the body to produce an abnormally thick, sticky mucus, which leads to chronic and life-threatening lung infections and impaired digestion.  In the 1950's, few children with cystic fibrosis lived to attend elementary school.  Today, advances in research and medical treatments have further enhanced and extended life for children and adults with CF.  Many people with the disease can now expect to live into their 30's, 40's, and beyond.

The best treatments and therapies for cystic fibrosis vary from person to person.  Taylor sits through 30 to 45 minutes of breathing treatments and chest physical therapy two times per day when she is well and four times per day when she is sick.  During chest physical therapy, she uses a vest that shakes her body to clear the mucus.  She inhales three different medicines in the morning, and two at night.  She also takes numerous other medicines just to help her stay alive.

Like many people with CF, Taylor's body does not digest her food so she must take enzymes with everything she eats.  She takes four pills with her meals, and three pills with her snacks.  Forgetting her enzymes means she will end up with a really bad stomachache.

Taylor has lived a relatively health life and is really good about doing her treatments.  She has struggled with her weight in the past, but over the last six months she has gained 17 pounds.  This is quite an accomplishment as she usually loses weight or only gains a few ounces between each clinic visit.  We are also fortunate that her lung function remains over 100%.  Taylor has only been hospitalized one time when she was one year old.  We are so thankful for this as many CF patients spend a lot of time in the hospital on IV antibiotics.

Taylor has had four sinus surgeries to remove polyps, which are common in CF patients.  More than likely she will have another surgery before she goes back to school.  Luckily she recovers quickly from the surgeries and has an amazing team of doctors who take great care of her!

Taylor is much like any other 13-year old girl.  She loves hanging out with her friends, going to school, playing soccer, and much more.  The difference is that we have to fight to keep her healthy each and every day.

I love the hope that Keri, Taylor and their family have.  They believe in a cure, knowing that one day CF will stand for "cure found."  Some of the steps Keri took to find her hope were education, following doctor's instructions and advice, and effort.  You'll find out more about that effort tomorrow!  

Monday, March 15, 2021

Meet Keri and Taylor


Keri and Taylor are very dear friends of mine.  We met while living in the same community in Washington, UT.  Soon after we met, we learned of Taylor's cystic fibrosis.  Through our friendship and time spent together, I came to realize the daily effort it takes to keep Taylor healthy.  I also came to understand that despite that effort, and the prognosis associated with cystic fibrosis, Taylor lives an active, hopeful life. I'm happy to share her story with you as told by Keri, Taylor's mom.  


Keri with daughters Taylor (left) and Kenzie (right)


My husband, Ken, and I were blessed with our first baby in June 2000.

Taylor was a "healthy" 9 lb 3 oz baby at birth.  Like all babies, Taylor lost weight within the first few days of her life.  The difference between Taylor and many other babies is that she just didn't lose a few ounces;  she lost well over a pound.  Her doctors suggested that I supplement with formula and that seemed to do the trick. . .Taylor started gaining weight.  At that time, my mind was at ease, nothing was wrong with our perfect little girl.

At five weeks old, Taylor started to wheeze every time I fed her.  As a first time mother, I was a bit paranoid and started doing some research on the Internet.  Over the next few weeks I research "wheezing in babies."  Many links came up on asthma, RSV, allergies, and a few links contained information about cystic fibrosis. I had a friend in high school who died from cystic fibrosis so I couldn't imagine that my little girl could be suffering from something so awful.  I read a few articles on asthma, but wasn't convinced asthma was causing the wheezing in Taylor.  For some reason, I continued to check out the sites on cystic fibrosis.  I read about chronic coughing and chronic wheezing.  Taylor didn't have either of those, her wheezing was very slight.  I also read about cystic fibrosis babies with failure to thrive.  With the exception of her first few days of life, Taylor was gaining weight without any problems.  I then read that people with cystic fibrosis have salty skin, so I decided to lick her head.  To my surprise, she was very salty.  Taylor had a doctor appointment the next day so I decided I would talk to the doctor about my findings.

Although her doctor thought I was way off, he ordered a sweat test for Taylor and assured me that she was going to be OK.  I few weeks later we received the dreaded call that Taylor did in fact have CF.  It was a day I will never forget.  I felt so scared and helpless.  I couldn't imagine that my baby was going to be so sick.  Every time I looked at her, I couldn't help but think she was going to suffer her entire life.

I spent the next few days doing as much research as I possibly could.  I don't think I slept much more than a few hours each night.  I had to find out how to help my baby girl!

Keri's story will be continued tomorrow. . .



Sunday, March 14, 2021

Life Lessons


I saw this posted on Facebook several times.  Because of my respect and appreciation for the military, I decided to read it.  I'm so glad I did.  I loved it so much I shared it with my family.  Now I'd like to share it with you.  I hope you take the time to read it, you'll be glad you did.  .  

The following is adapted from the commencement address by Adm. William H. McRaven, ninth commander of U.S. Special Operations Command, at the University of Texas at Austin on May 17.
The University of Texas slogan is "What starts here changes the world."
I have to admit—I kinda like it.
"What starts here changes the world."
Tonight there are almost 8,000 students graduating from UT.
That great paragon of analytical rigor, Ask.Com, says that the average American will meet 10,000 people in their lifetime.
That's a lot of folks. But if every one of you changed the lives of just 10 people, and each one of those folks changed the lives of another 10 people—just 10—then in five generations, 125 years, the class of 2014 will have changed the lives of 800 million people.
Eight-hundred million people—think of it: over twice the population of the United States. Go one more generation and you can change the entire population of the world—eight billion people.
If you think it's hard to change the lives of 10 people, change their lives forever, you're wrong.
I saw it happen every day in Iraq and Afghanistan.
A young Army officer makes a decision to go left instead of right down a road in Baghdad and the 10 soldiers with him are saved from close-in ambush.
In Kandahar province, Afghanistan, a noncommissioned officer from the Female Engagement Team senses something isn't right and directs the infantry platoon away from a 500-pound IED, saving the lives of a dozen soldiers.
Generations were saved by one decision, by one person.But, if you think about it, not only were these soldiers saved by the decisions of one person, but their children yet unborn were also saved. And their children's children were saved.
But changing the world can happen anywhere and anyone can do it.
So, what starts here can indeed change the world, but the question is: What will the world look like after you change it?
Well, I am confident that it will look much, much better, but if you will humor this old sailor for just a moment, I have a few suggestions that may help you on your way to a better a world.
And while these lessons were learned during my time in the military, I can assure you that it matters not whether you ever served a day in uniform. It matters not your gender, your ethnic or religious background, your orientation, or your social status. Our struggles in this world are similar and the lessons to overcome those struggles and to move forward—changing ourselves and the world around us—will apply equally to all.
I have been a Navy SEAL for 36 years. But it all began when I left UT for Basic SEAL training in Coronado, Calif.
Basic SEAL training is six months of long, torturous runs in the soft sand, midnight swims in the cold water off San Diego, obstacle courses, unending calisthenics, days without sleep and always being cold, wet and miserable.
It is six months of being constantly harassed by professionally trained warriors who seek to find the weak of mind and body and eliminate them from ever becoming a Navy SEAL.
But, the training also seeks to find those students who can lead in an environment of constant stress, chaos, failure and hardships. To me basic SEAL training was a lifetime of challenges crammed into six months.
So, here are lessons I learned from basic SEAL training that hopefully will be of value to you as you move forward in life.
1. Every morning in basic SEAL training, my instructors, who at the time were all Vietnam veterans, would show up in my barracks room and the first thing they would inspect was your bed. If you did it right, the corners would be square, the covers pulled tight, the pillow centered just under the headboard and the extra blanket folded neatly at the foot of the rack—that's Navy talk for bed.
It was a simple task, mundane at best. But every morning we were required to make our bed to perfection. It seemed a little ridiculous at the time, particularly in light of the fact that were aspiring to be real warriors, tough battle hardened SEALs, but the wisdom of this simple act has been proven to me many times over.
If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter.
If you can't do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.
And if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made—that you made—and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.
If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.
2. During SEAL training the students are broken down into boat crews. Each crew is seven students—three on each side of a small rubber boat and one coxswain to help guide the dingy. Every day, your boat crew forms up on the beach and is instructed to get through the surfzone and paddle several miles down the coast.
In the winter, the surf off San Diego can get to be 8 to 10 feet high and it is exceedingly difficult to paddle through the plunging surf unless everyone digs in. Every paddle must be synchronized to the stroke count of the coxswain. Everyone must exert equal effort or the boat will turn against the wave and be unceremoniously tossed back on the beach.
For the boat to make it to its destination, everyone must paddle.
You can't change the world alone—you will need some help—and to truly get from your starting point to your destination takes friends, colleagues, the goodwill of strangers and a strong coxswain to guide them.
If you want to change the world, find someone to help you paddle.
3. Over a few weeks of difficult training my SEAL class, which started with 150 men, was down to just 42. There were now six boat crews of seven men each.
I was in the boat with the tall guys, but the best boat crew we had was made up of the little guys—the munchkin crew we called them. No one was over about 5-foot-5.
The munchkin boat crew had one American Indian, one African-American, one Polish-American, one Greek-American, one Italian-American and two tough kids from the Midwest.
They out-paddled, out-ran and out-swam all the other boat crews.
The big men in the other boat crews would always make good-natured fun of the tiny little flippers the munchkins put on their tiny little feet prior to every swim. But somehow these little guys, from every corner of the nation and the world, always had the last laugh—swimming faster than everyone and reaching the shore long before the rest of us.
SEAL training was a great equalizer. Nothing mattered but your will to succeed. Not your color, not your ethnic background, not your education and not your social status.
If you want to change the world, measure people by the size of their heart, not the size of their flippers.
4. Several times a week, the instructors would line up the class and do a uniform inspection. It was exceptionally thorough. Your hat had to be perfectly starched, your uniform immaculately pressed and your belt buckle shiny and void of any smudges.
But it seemed that no matter how much effort you put into starching your hat, or pressing your uniform or polishing your belt buckle, it just wasn't good enough. The instructors would find "something" wrong.
For failing the uniform inspection, the student had to run, fully clothed, into the surfzone and then, wet from head to toe, roll around on the beach until every part of your body was covered with sand. The effect was known as a "sugar cookie." You stayed in that uniform the rest of the day—cold, wet and sandy.
There were many students who just couldn't accept the fact that all their effort was in vain. That no matter how hard they tried to get the uniform right, it was unappreciated.
Those students didn't make it through training. Those students didn't understand the purpose of the drill. You were never going to succeed. You were never going to have a perfect uniform.
Sometimes, no matter how well you prepare or how well you perform, you still end up as a sugar cookie. It's just the way life is sometimes.
If you want to change the world, get over being a sugar cookie and keep moving forward.
5. Every day during training you were challenged with multiple physical events. Long runs, long swims, obstacle courses, hours of calisthenics—something designed to test your mettle.
Every event had standards, times that you had to meet. If you failed to meet those standards, your name was posted on a list and at the end of the day those on the list were invited to a "circus."
A circus was two hours of additional calisthenics designed to wear you down, to break your spirit, to force you to quit. No one wanted a circus. A circus meant that for that day you didn't measure up. A circus meant more fatigue, and more fatigue meant that the following day would be more difficult—and more circuses were likely.
But at some time during SEAL training, everyone—everyone—made the circus list. Yet an interesting thing happened to those who were constantly on the list. Over time those students, who did two hours of extra calisthenics, got stronger and stronger. The pain of the circuses built inner strength—built physical resiliency.
Life is filled with circuses. You will fail. You will likely fail often. It will be painful. It will be discouraging. At times it will test you to your very core.
But if you want to change the world, don't be afraid of the circuses.
6. At least twice a week, the trainees were required to run the obstacle course. The obstacle course contained 25 obstacles including a 10-foot-high wall, a 30-foot cargo net and a barbed-wire crawl, to name a few.
But the most challenging obstacle was the slide for life. It had a three-level, 30-foot tower at one end and a one-level tower at the other. In between was a 200-foot-long rope.
You had to climb the three-tiered tower and, once at the top, you grabbed the rope, swung underneath the rope and pulled yourself hand over hand until you got to the other end.
The record for the obstacle course had stood for years when my class began training in 1977. The record seemed unbeatable until one day a student decided to go down the slide for life—head-first. Instead of swinging his body underneath the rope and inching his way down, he bravely mounted the top of the rope and thrust himself forward.
It was a dangerous move—seemingly foolish, and fraught with risk. Failure could mean injury and being dropped from the training. Without hesitation, the student slid down the rope, perilously fast. Instead of several minutes, it only took him half that time and by the end of the course he had broken the record.
If you want to change the world sometimes you have to slide down the obstacle head-first.
7. During the land-warfare phase of training, the students are flown out to San Clemente Island near San Diego. The waters off San Clemente are a breeding ground for great white sharks. To pass SEAL training, there are a series of long swims that must be completed. One is the night swim.
Before the swim, the instructors joyfully brief the trainees on all the species of sharks that inhabit the waters off San Clemente. The instructors assure you, however, that no student has ever been eaten by a shark—at least not recently.
But, you are also taught that if a shark begins to circle your position, stand your ground. Do not swim away. Do not act afraid. And if the shark, hungry for a midnight snack, darts towards you, then summon up all your strength and punch him in the snout and he will turn and swim away.
There are a lot of sharks in the world. If you hope to complete the swim you will have to deal with them.
So, if you want to change the world, don't back down from the sharks.
8. As Navy SEALs, one of our jobs is to conduct underwater attacks against enemy shipping. We practiced this technique extensively during basic training. The ship-attack mission is where a pair of SEAL divers is dropped off outside an enemy harbor and then swims well over 2 miles—underwater—using nothing but a depth gauge and a compass to get to their target.
During the entire swim, even well below the surface, there is some light that comes through. It is comforting to know that there is open water above you. But as you approach the ship, which is tied to a pier, the light begins to fade. The steel structure of the ship blocks the moonlight, it blocks the surrounding street lamps, it blocks all ambient light.
To be successful in your mission, you have to swim under the ship and find the keel—the centerline and the deepest part of the ship. This is your objective. But the keel is also the darkest part of the ship, where you cannot see your hand in front of your face, where the noise from the ship's machinery is deafening and where it is easy to get disoriented and fail.
Every SEAL knows that under the keel, at the darkest moment of the mission, is the time when you must be calm, composed—when all your tactical skills, your physical power and all your inner strength must be brought to bear.
If you want to change the world, you must be your very best in the darkest moment.
9. The ninth week of SEAL training is referred to as Hell Week. It is six days of no sleep, constant physical and mental harassment and one special day at the Mud Flats. The Mud Flats are an area between San Diego and Tijuana where the water runs off and creates the Tijuana slues—a swampy patch of terrain where the mud will engulf you.
It is on Wednesday of Hell Week that you paddle down to the mud flats and spend the next 15 hours trying to survive the freezing-cold mud, the howling wind and the incessant pressure from the instructors to quit.
As the sun began to set that Wednesday evening, my training class, having committed some "egregious infraction of the rules" was ordered into the mud. The mud consumed each man till there was nothing visible but our heads. The instructors told us we could leave the mud if only five men would quit—just five men and we could get out of the oppressive cold.
Looking around the mud flat, it was apparent that some students were about to give up. It was still over eight hours till the sun came up—eight more hours of bone-chilling cold. The chattering teeth and shivering moans of the trainees were so loud it was hard to hear anything. And then, one voice began to echo through the night—one voice raised in song.
The song was terribly out of tune, but sung with great enthusiasm. One voice became two, and two became three, and before long everyone in the class was singing.
We knew that if one man could rise above the misery then others could as well. The instructors threatened us with more time in the mud if we kept up the singing—but the singing persisted. And somehow, the mud seemed a little warmer, the wind a little tamer and the dawn not so far away.
If I have learned anything in my time traveling the world, it is the power of hope. The power of one person—Washington, Lincoln, King, Mandela and even a young girl from Pakistan named Malala—can change the world by giving people hope.
So, if you want to change the world, start singing when you're up to your neck in mud.
10. Finally, in SEAL training there is a bell. A brass bell that hangs in the center of the compound for all the students to see.
All you have to do to quit is ring the bell. Ring the bell and you no longer have to wake up at 5 o'clock. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT—and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training. Just ring the bell.
If you want to change the world don't ever, ever ring the bell.
To the graduating class of 2014, you are moments away from graduating. Moments away from beginning your journey through life. Moments away from starting to change the world—for the better.
It will not be easy.
But start each day with a task completed. Find someone to help you through life. Respect everyone. Know that life is not fair and that you will fail often, but if you take some risks, step up when the times are toughest, face down the bullies, lift up the downtrodden and never, ever give up—if you do these things, then the next generation and the generations that follow will live in a world far better than the one we have today. And what started here will indeed have changed the world, for the better.