It was a Tuesday morning when the last strands of hope I had been holding on to were finally gone. Up until that moment, hope had been little but not lost. There are only so many demons you can fight off on your own. Only so many times you can drown and raise and spit the water out before you start to sink for good.
My battle with depression started long before I knew there was a word to describe what I was feeling. Maybe I was young and naive. Maybe because I was a Christian and involved in a church, a wife and a new mom, I thought it couldn't happen to me. After all, I had nothing to be depressed about. But for weeks, I felt lost and afraid and I drifted between trying to make the perfect life and dreaming of the perfect way to end it. That was 2006.
Six years later, I would look at myself in the mirror and realize I had no idea who that woman had become. Or where the person I used to be had gone. It hadn't happened overnight, but I could no longer remember the day I didn't hate who I was. That morning, I had decided, would be the last day of my life. I remember getting dressed and thinking through what I should be "found" in. It is gut-wrenching now. It sounds heinous and selfish and it was. But in the moment, it was such relief. It was relief I hadn't been able to find anywhere else and trust me, I had searched like my life depended on it. Because it did. Grabbing the keys and getting in the car I felt peaceful. I even remember turning up the worship music in my car and praying. Lord, forgive me. Lord, I love you and I trust you and I know you know this is what I need to do. I need it to be over.
That day in 2012 I had been seconds away from driving myself off the side of a two-story overpass and making my suicide look like an accident. I believe God supernaturally controlled the steering wheel that day and prevented me from crashing to my death. I believe He had more for me.
For the six months that followed, I immersed myself in therapy. My husband found out about my depression and though I was devastated for him to see that side of me, I also felt an enormous amount of relief that I could stop hiding it all from him. I could stop pretending I was okay and start dealing with the real issues that were keeping me from the life I knew I could have.
There was no overnight healing. In fact, there were two more occasions where I wanted to end my life and took serious steps to make that happen. But I was armed with the power of knowing what depression looks like and how it is possible to fight back in those moments and take control. And most importantly, I was never alone. I had a "must call" list of friends and family that agreed to help me. I knew I could call them at any time and they wouldn't judge me. They would listen and offer support and remind me of the life I was building, of the progress I had made.
There are still morning when my stomach turns and my thoughts race toward those days, but there is something far greater that keeps me grounded. Hope.
I have hope to move forward and leave depression behind. I have hope that there is still more life for me to live. And if you have hope, you have everything you need.
"Hero" is defined as a person of distinguished courage. Andrea is a hero of mine for having courage to share her story in hopes of helping others. You can read more from Andrea at her blog: www.gracewithgratitude.wordpress.com
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I struggle with depression and bi-polar disorder and without my medication and visits with a therapist I would not be able to function. It helped me when I felt my husband, my mother and siblings and even my own children understood better what I was struggling with. They then knew it wasn't their fault and that I was making progress. If all people who struggle with mental health issues felt loved and supported it would be a much kinder world for everyone.
ReplyDeleteYour story will help more than you may ever know - thank you for being courageous and sharing it with us. I'm so glad you're still here with us, because you have a story to tell that no one else can tell. You're doing that, and I'm so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your bravery in sharing your story and reaching out to help others... yes you are a hero..God bless
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