Why You Do What You Do

More from Amy. . .

To be honest, the real world is hard! Rehab was an oasis, a protective little bubble, and I miss it IMMENSELY. I woke up at the same time every morning, had my day filled with meditation, workshops, therapy, horseback riding, tennis lessons, hiking and three gourmet meals a day. In the words of my darling little friend, it was like camp for grown-ups, with an “all-you-can-drink-juice-bar” to boot. She was right, and honestly, I think everyone should go to “camp”.  Addict or not, the ability to work on yourself, to reinvent, reestablish, reconnect with your authentic self, 24 hours a day for 5 weeks straight (or longer) is invaluable. I dare say there is not a human alive that wouldn't benefit from it.

The downside? The return to reality. I hadn't prepared my own meals, cleaned my own bathroom, done my own dishes or grocery shopping in weeks. I hadn't had to prioritize my time, respond to texts, keep up with my friends’ and family’s lives, or scroll through any social media in 35 days. I didn't come within a stone’s throw of any alcohol, let alone the glamorization of any my entire stay in rehab. I was safe, protected and at peace.

I've been home 11 days now. I still haven’t been to an AA meeting (I can hear my rehab therapist now… “Amy!”), read from the Big Book (“Amy, do you need to come see me?”) or contacted my sponsor (“OK, OK, STOP! I can’t take it anymore. Did I teach you ANYTHING?”) I have met with my new “real world” therapist a couple of times though. (Yes, I’m throwing this in for the benefit of my rehab therapist. I don’t want her to feel like I am a complete lost cause!) I’ve also been to 13 baseball and softball games, driven back and forth to dance multiple times, caught up with ¼ of the people on my list of people to catch up with, been on a few hikes, paid a few bills, applied for a few jobs and soaked in my tub on multiple occasions. All of these things are important, no doubt. This is reality. This is my life. But alcoholism is too and I can’t ignore it, pretend it was never a problem and hope it will go away. That doesn't work, and I’m feeling that more than ever.

Every movie showcases gorgeous looking cocktails. Every gas station has stacks of cases of beer. Every country song has a whiskey. Every corner has a liquor store. Every dream has me drinking. I can’t escape it, and sometimes it’s a downright battle to push the thoughts and cravings away. Every day they get stronger, more prevalent, and I know it is only a matter of time before I will cave if I continue doing (and not doing) what I know I need to. The real world is hard!

In one of our workshops in rehab, the Aftercare Coordinator (the ridiculously good looking guy that makes sure we are successful after the fact) asked us what will keep us going at home. “WHAT’S YOUR WHY?” he asked. He showed a motivational clip of a gazelle being pursued by a cheetah, running to escape death. Should the gazelle ever stop, it would be vulnerable to an attack. So it is with me, with all addicts. I have to keep running, knowing that if I stop, for even a second, I become vulnerable. So what is my why? What is my reason for pushing, for fighting, for the determination to beat this disease?

That night I went back to my room to journal.  This is a portion of that entry:

“My WHY:

• My Kids. They need and deserve a mother who is PRESENT, who will teach by word and example.
• My Faith. I have felt a true spiritual awakening and I can’t go back to the way my life was before.
• My Mission. I believe I can bless the lives of others by telling my story. If I focus on this aspect of my recovery – my writing, I will continue to run.
• My Family. They sacrificed so much to get me here, placed a lot of faith in me. I can’t let them down.
• My Happiness. I have felt true joy, true happiness in here. I am learning so much about myself and I am really excited about the changes I’m seeing.

Alma 26:12- ‘Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.’  Great scripture, especially in recovery. I am doing what I could not do alone because I have placed my will in the hands of my Higher Power.  He offers me a why, He gives me strength to keep running.”

My list that night was pretty rudimentary; nothing profound about it. But as I was rereading it today, it was still enough. It’s still my why, my reasons for fighting. Remembering this, every single day, will help me get to my meetings, call my sponsor, read my Big Book, write my story, pray to my higher power, fight the good fight. This truly is a disease that can only be overcome one day at a time. It’s not about being perfect for the rest of my life, it’s about doing the next right thing, whatever that may be.

So why do YOU do what you do and what's YOUR why?  Finding your purpose in life will definitely lead you to hope.