The Magic Six Hours

Dr. John Gottman is a well-known relationship researcher and therapist who has devoted his career to figuring out why some marriages continue to improve over time, and some do not.  All of his work and research shows that successful couples intentionally devote time to their marriage that unsuccessful couples do not.  He has built a little program to help couples give time and energy to their marriages.  He calls it:  The Magic Six Hours.

PARTINGS:

Make sure you say goodbye before you leave each other.  Find out one thing that is happening in your partner's life that day.  (2 min/day = 10 min/week)

REUNIONS:

Greet each other with a hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds as this is how long it takes to create a physiological reaction in our bodies.  In addition, have a stress-reducing conversation that lasts about 20 minutes.  This conversation is meant as a time of reconnection before getting lost in the rest of the day.  (20 min/day = 40 min/week)

APPRECIATION:

Spend at least five minutes each day communicating genuine appreciation for your spouse.  Try to be creative.  Regular expressions of appreciation are one of the strongest predictors of a healthy, loving relationship.  (5 min/day = 34 min/week)

AFFECTION:

Make sure you show each other physical affection daily.  Physical affection releases oxytocin in our brains which increases feelings of connection.  (5/min day = 35/min week).

WEEKLY DATE:

Successful couples spend one-on-one time together on a date.  We should be intentional about making this happen.  Mix up what you do.  (2 hours/week).

STATE OF THE UNION:

Spend time counseling together about how you are doing in your marriage.  Have a relationship check-in.  What are we doing right?  What needs improvement?  What are our plans and goals?  Talk about relationship concerns and express appreciation.  

Of course, it's not about the exact amount of time we spend together as couples, rather the attitude of being intentional about the most important relationship we have.  It is about regular time and attention.  Investing in the Magic Six Hours can go a long way towards cultivating HOPE in your relationship as you grow together as a couple.

The New Positive Psychology

The good life is not the result of overcoming our weaknesses but the result of using our strengths and virtues.  The key to this positive approach is discovering our strengths.  When a person likes what he does and is motivated to do it, focusing the mind becomes effortless, even when the objective difficulty is great.  

One program intended to help people discover and use their strengths - and to live flourishing lives in general - is Your Blueprint for Happiness.  This program helps people apply principles of well-being so they can thrive!

While positive emotions come from savoring, and productivity streams from using our strengths, the highest level of well-being springs from finding ways to make the world a better place. 

There is HOPE in positivity!

Marriage and Relationship Education

 "Marriage is the first bond of society" as declared by Roman statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero in 78 BCE.  If this is true, then it would beneficial for us to understand the ideas that are associated with healthy, stable marriages.  The National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Model illustrate key patterns of thinking and behaviors that are associated with successful marriages. 

CHOOSE TO BE INTENTIONAL

*Make the relationship a priority.

*Be committed.

*Emphasize partner strengths.

*Envision a future together.  

KNOW YOUR PARTNER

*Be attentive and aware of your partner's life, thoughts, and feelings.

*Understand your partner's needs and pressures.

*Express interest, physical attraction, and emotional closeness.  

*Share ideas and expectations. 

CARE FOR YOUR PARTNER

*Express fondness, appreciation, and positivity.

*Be kind and supportive.

*Be tolerant.

*Be respectful.

*Be present.

*Listen, especially during times of challenge and frustration.

CARE FOR YOURSELF

*Develop physical wellness.

*Develop stress management skills. 

*Understand threats to emotional and mental well-being. 

SHARE

*Find common interests.

*Spend time together.

*Protect your relationship from negative influences.

*Engage in a common purpose. 

MANAGE

*Utilize perspective.

*Make decisions as a team.

*Be forgiving.

*Mange stress and conflict. 

CONNECT

*Participate in your community.

*Engage in extrafamilial activities. 

*Serve together.

As you work on these practices together, you can HOPE TO MOVE FORWARD in your relationship!

Parenting Education

Parents are an important part of a child's development. In order to foster HOPE and well-being for children, it is helpful for parents to be supportive (affection and involvement) as well as controlling (setting limits and supervision). Here are six parenting practices as given by the National Extension Parent Education Model which prove to be extremely useful to a child's well-being. 

*A parent should care for self.  Learn to manage stress, ask for and accept help.

*A parent should be understanding. Recognize how children respond to what is happening around them.

 

*A parent should guide. Model appropriate behavior, establish limits, teach problem-solving skills. 

*A parent should nurture. Express compassion and affection. Listen. Teach kindness. 

*A parent should motivate. Teach children about themselves and the world around them. 

*A parent should advocate. Build relationships with the community. Stimulate social exchange. 

Best outcomes come from parents who first put themselves into a position to learn how to parent, then learn how to support, encourage, and guide children without too much control in regards to their children's thoughts and feelings.

"Anxiously Engaged"

There is all kinds of hope associated with a new relationship, especially a relationship between a couple engaged to be married. There is hope for children, employment, and perhaps a home of your own one day. The greatest amount of hope is invested in the relationship itself, a hope that it will last for eternity. And yet, while we invest so much time, effort, and money into the actual wedding day, how much effort is put towards understanding the marriage commitment? “Anxiously Engaged” is a curriculum developed by Dr. Alan Hawkins, professor of family life at Brigham Young University and a nationally recognized scholar on relationship education, and Kathryn Pond Sargent, who has a master’s degree in Family Sciences and has taught marriage preparation classes for engaged Latter-Day Saint couples for many years. Anxiously Engaged is a course directed towards engaged couples and will cover the “essentials” of preparing for and nurturing your marriage relationship. It is important that couples understand the necessity of being intentional about their ongoing efforts to maintain a healthy, vibrant relationship. The curriculum will help couples develop skills to intentionally facilitate a life-long process of becoming one. If you are interested in signing up for the Anxiously Engaged class, please contact us at anxiouslyengagedtobemarried@gmail.com

Hope Kept Me Alive

I'd like to share with you a story I found on TED.COM.  It is Joseph Kim's story of a family he lost in North Korea and a family he gained in America.  The following is an excerpt from his story: 

8:56Hope is personal. Hope is something that no one can give to you. You have to choose to believe in hope. You have to make it yourself.

9:34

10:00This is my message to you. Have hope for yourself, but also help each other. Life can be hard for everyone, wherever you live.  . . .you may also change someone's life with even the smallest act of love.  But I confidently believe that your act of love and caring can also save another person's life and change thousands of other people's lives who are still having hope to survive.
His story is amazing.  Read it in it's entirety HERE.

Flashlight

Over the weekend I took a road trip with my daughter.  Along the way we listened to one of our favorite artists:  Hunter Hayes.  He sings a song about flashlights and hope.  I tried in vain to find an "official" video for the song, but did find a video someone made with the lyrics.  I like the lyrics.  See if you do too.  Watch it HERE.